The underlying mental processes are the same; you must observe multiple instances of something and make inferences in order to choose the best course of action, but in some ways, navigating social situations is more difficult than simplifying a complex equation.

The planets of the solar system are always in the same order, and you can remember that order by recalling the sentence “My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Noodles,” but human behavior is much more of a moving target. Your parents were right that taking your studies seriously is good preparation for success in your career, but developing emotional intelligence can also help you be successful in the workplace.

It is possible to build your emotional intelligence skills. Developing high emotional intelligence is an ongoing process because it requires you to understand your own emotions as well as other people’s, but it will help you in your career.

The Five Components of Emotional Intelligence

Psychologists have identified five components of emotional intelligence, namely self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and relationship management. The best way to build your emotional intelligence is to focus on one component at a time.

Since it is easier to change your own behavior than it is to change other people’s, your quest to improve emotional intelligence should begin with one of the components that focuses on your own emotions. Therefore, self-awareness or motivation is the best place to start focusing your efforts.

1. Self-Awareness

Emotionally intelligent people display self-awareness. They understand their own feelings, which is the first step to effective self-management of negative emotions. Everyone feels stress and frustration, but when you can correctly identify its cause, you can avoid spreading negativity and stay out of senseless, preventable conflicts.

If you understand that your stress is due to your financial worries and not to your coworker’s annoying laugh, you will be kinder to your coworker, and your job satisfaction will increase. Self-awareness means being able to look at the annoying customer, coworker, student, or boss in front of you and say to yourself, “He did not create this problem.”

2. Self-Regulation

The importance of emotional intelligence is not only that it helps you with self-management of your negative emotions, but also that it helps you treat other people better. Knowing that the person in front of you is not the root cause of your stress is a good start, but emotionally intelligent people go a step further.

Self-regulation requires you to use your self-control and not act on your anger. When you are self-aware, you can more easily regulate your emotions and de-escalate the situation before your anger gets the better of you.

Fortunately, emotional awareness and technical skills in conflict management form a virtuous circle. The more you resist the urge to blow up at other people, the more easily you can manage stress and communicate effectively. Self-regulation helps you improve your mental and physical health. Conversely, if you lack emotional intelligence, it is easy to get caught up in a negative feedback loop of frustration and aggression.

3. Motivation

When you are feeling frustrated, emotionally intelligent leaders will not cavalierly tell you that emotional intelligence begins with motivation and that to develop your emotional intelligence, you must find some motivation.

The truth is that everyone has motivation. Each person has a unique set of motivations, but if you compare your motivations to other people’s, you will find out that you have more in common than you thought you did. We all want to meet our physical needs, although reasonable minds can differ about what constitutes “enough” money to feel secure.

Equally importantly, we all want human relationships, although we differ as far as the people we choose as our closest companions and the qualities we value in those companions.

4. Empathy

Empathy is both a starting point and a goal when building emotional intelligence. Empathy is the ability to see other people as complete human beings and to treat them as such. It is the understanding that all human beings share the same core emotions and to recognize emotions in other people.

Human beings are born with empathy, even before we develop purely cognitive abilities, social skills, and higher emotional intelligence. Using your empathy will help you improve your personal relationships, as well as professional ones.

If you struggle with social relationships but want to get better at them, it follows that you have empathy. Everyone who has ever experienced friendship or camaraderie has it. If you are self-aware enough to have wondered about emotional intelligence in the workplace, then you are not a sociopath who does not care how much your actions cause other people to suffer. If you want to develop social awareness, practice empathy. When you do, you will find that your job satisfaction also improves.

5. Relationship Management

Emotional intelligence plays a major role in professional networking. Your ability to maintain good communication with coworkers and your colleagues in your industry is as important as your professional reputation or your technical skills. Active listening and social awareness are as important in your relationships with other people as your intelligence quotient (IQ) or your sense of humor.

Emotional Intelligence Matters in the Workplace

Emotional skills, such as social awareness and the ability to manage emotions are at least as important in the workplace as they are in your personal life. Nowhere is managing emotions more important than when it comes to interpersonal communication. The ability to regulate emotions is a prerequisite for communicating effectively for professional success.

Good communication skills and high emotional intelligence go hand in hand. Excessively emotional responses to common situations in the workplace may relieve stress in the moment, but they will make you look unprofessional.

How Can Employers Tell If You Have High Emotional Intelligence?

In theory, it is possible to measure a person’s intelligence numerically. IQ tests determine how quickly and accurately you can answer questions that require pattern recognition, logical reasoning, the drawing of inferences, and attention to detail. The number that represents your IQ is where your score ranks in relation to that of other people who have taken the test, similar to a percentile score.

It is not so easy to measure someone’s emotional quotient. You almost have to see people in action to see evidence of their high emotional intelligence. It doesn’t translate easily into a test score. Those people who brag about their IQ test scores and boast that MENSA invited them to join tend to lack self-awareness and social skills, so you can be sure that IQ tests are not an accurate measure of emotional intelligence.

Emotional Quotient Interview Questions

Even though there is no standardized emotional quotient (EQ) test, employers still want to find out about job candidates’ emotional intelligence. They want to know if the job candidate has the soft skills and intrinsic motivation to achieve success. Therefore, there are two strategies that employers sometimes follow to find out more about the job candidates’ social intelligence.

One is to ask them general questions about their personalities and personal goals. Interviewers might ask you how you handle negative feelings, emotional triggers, and tough conversations because they want to see how you approach stress management in general. In doing this, they are also actively listening for how self-aware you are and they are also taking stock of your verbal and nonverbal communication skills.

The other strategy for finding out about a candidate’s emotional intelligence is to ask questions about specific stressful situations they are likely to encounter at the job for which they are applying. For example, if you are applying for a job at a bank, they want to know how you would respond if someone falsely accused you of mishandling their money. If you were applying for a job as a hairstylist or makeup artist, the interviewer would want to know how you help people feel more confident about their physical appearance.

Manage Your Own Emotions to Manage Conflict in the Workplace

The importance of emotional intelligence lies in the fact that it requires you to understand your emotions as well as other people’s. Self-management is much more challenging than it looks, but it is a prerequisite to building relationships and is one of the most valuable assets for achieving success in your career.

Paying attention to your own emotions, and not just the stressors that trigger them, can help you with managing stress and forming strong relationships in your workplace and your industry. It is possible to be a great leader even in the face of chronic stress, as long as you possess a core competency, namely the ability to understand emotions.

A Positive Outlook Helps You Toward Life-Long Achievements

Having a healthy outlook on life is not the same as relentless optimism. Rather, acknowledging that other people are not the cause of your anger, and you choose to react the way you do, is the key to developing stronger relationships.

Thinking positively dovetails naturally with empathy and self-management. You should read other people’s nonverbal cues and tell yourself that, even if you cannot solve the problem, you can at least avoid making things worse for the other person by not overreacting and escalating the situation.

Not putting too much pressure on yourself and not having unrealistic expectations of other people is part of a positive attitude and emotional intelligence. Recognize that, if you are stressed out for reasons that other people cannot reasonably guess, then they are also stressed out for reasons that you cannot guess. Emotional intelligence requires you to give other people the benefit of the doubt.

Using Your Emotional Intelligence to Build a Rapport With People Quickly

Emotional intelligence is the key to success in many different public-facing jobs, from sales to customer support to service-oriented clerical jobs such as being a receptionist in a doctor’s office or law firm.

These jobs require you to use your emotional intelligence to make quick judgments about the extent to which people want to engage in conversation. Making small talk will make some patients at the front desk of a doctor’s office feel more relaxed, but it will stress out others more.

It isn’t your business whether a patient doesn’t want to make small talk with you because she is worried about her upcoming doctor visit or because she does not speak English well and is trying to organize her thoughts about what to say to the doctor. It is only your job to read the patient’s cues and respond appropriately.

The Role of Emotional Intelligence in Sales Jobs

People who are naturally outgoing tend to flourish in sales jobs. Being successful in a sales job is not just about being so pushy that you don’t give customers a chance to say “no” and just keep talking until they sign on the dotted line because they are too hungry and tired to listen to you anymore.

People have emotions about money, and you should use your emotional intelligence to realize that making a major purchase such as furniture, a car, or enrolling a child in a weeks-long summer camp is a big decision.

Even in sales jobs, you should listen as much as you talk. If people want to ask questions and then go on their way to think over the decision, being pushy will make them less likely to contact you again after they have thought about it. Instead, just be pleasant and remind them of your contact information.

If you follow up with them later, do it by text message or email. No one likes getting phone calls from salespeople when they are stuck in traffic or hurrying to get their children dressed for school.

Emotional Intelligence Is a Learned Skill, Not a Natural Talent

It is possible to improve your emotional intelligence by practicing empathy and self-awareness. Emotional intelligence is something you do, not something you are. When leaders seek out training courses to improve leadership skills such as communication and conflict management, what they are really learning to do is to practice emotional intelligence.

You can start by adopting a habit and trying to do it through an entire shift at work, such as not interrupting people until they get to a punctuation mark, even if they are on a long tirade, or smiling every time someone else smiles.

If customers and work supervisors have frequently made written comments about your apparent lack of self-awareness or inconsiderate behavior or short temper, then you might benefit from formal training in emotional intelligence skills.

Emotional intelligence training and coaching programs are available in many different formats and geared toward professionals in many different industries. You should take this as evidence that you are not the only person who is successful in the core skills of your profession but who struggles to connect with other people or to make the desired impression on them.

Emotional Intelligence in the Workplace Begins With Defuse De Escalation Training

Whether you are the employee whose water cooler witticisms always seem to fall flat or the manager whose team members cannot seem to get along, the solution to your workplace woes begins with Defuse De Escalation Training.

De-Escalation Training for Customer Service Professionals

90 Minutes

Learn proven de-escalation techniques to handle difficult customer interactions with confidence, reduce stress, and improve customer satisfaction in this expert-designed, 90-minute online training course.

Course price $89.00

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We offer individual coaching sessions and group workshops for professionals in a wide variety of industries, including but not limited to customer support, law enforcement, security, healthcare, and social work. Contact Defuse De Escalation Training today to find out more about our programs!

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Deep breathing and remaining calm will not, by themselves, solve the problem, but yelling definitely will not either. Your ability to remain calm will get you out of the immediate situation, and after everyone has had some time to calm down, it will allow you to think about how to solve the problem, if it is even your responsibility to solve it in the first place.

Yelling Is a No Win Situation, but You Can’t Lose When You Stay Calm

When people raise their voices or behave in an aggressive manner, they know that it is not an effective way to communicate. People yell because they have poor coping skills or, even if they are usually able to respond appropriately to stressful situations, their emotions have gotten the better of them this time.

Emotional instability loves company, and when someone yells, he or she is trying to get you to engage with their negative emotions. If you can temporarily override your brain’s reward or punishment system and look at the big picture in the situation, you can resolve the underlying conflict, or at least learn how to address future unpleasant interactions with that person.

Why Yelling Is Counterproductive

No one has ever resolved a conflict by yelling. At best, yelling makes someone not want to interact with them.

Yelling is effective if you are trying to pick a fight because it encourages future yelling and other negative responses. When you yell your message, other people hear the yelling, but they don’t hear the message. If you are constantly yelling, people will either avoid you, or they will tune out the raised voices.

If you can remain calm enough to stop yelling, you can improve your self-esteem and your interpersonal relationships.

Your own yelling affects you at least as much as it affects you when someone is shouting at you. You might feel a yelling episode coming on and feel like you are going to explode, but once you start shouting, it is not easy to stop. You might think that you are trying to make the recipient react correctly when, in fact, any possible response from the recipient could make you want to continue yelling.

What Does It Feel Like When a Person Yells at You?

People naturally feel threatened by loud noises. Even the most courageous or even-tempered people find it disturbing when someone else yells at them. The sound of someone yelling at you sets off your fight-or-flight response.

The natural reaction to yelling is your own emotional outburst or emotional shutdown. Even if you know what you want to say in response, the loud and threatening tone of voice can make you yell in response, say things you don’t mean to get the other person to stop shouting, or it can make you “play possum” where you are unable to say anything at all in response.

Why Do Some People Have Such a Hard Time Remaining Calm?

You probably know some short-tempered people, and you probably do not enjoy their company. If you are not the target of the outbursts, it might even be funny that your coworker sometimes starts yelling mid-sentence in much the way that characters in Broadway musicals spontaneously break into song. For various reasons, some people have not learned to pause mentally and assess the situation before they lose their tempers.

Psychological Reasons Why People Yell

If you can empathize in the moment with someone shouting at you, it means that you are very emotionally intelligent. Yelling is a learned behavior, just as you can learn to avoid yelling.

The short answer is that people yell because they are angry and frustrated, or because they feel deeply sad about something unrelated to the present situation, and the problem that set them off is not the real issue. Each person’s core psyche has the propensity both for empathy and for aggression, so why is it that, in the same situation, someone is shouting while someone else appears calm?

Yelling Is Usually a Sign of Deeper Dysfunction

As for why some people resort to displaying emotional tyranny as their go-to coping mechanism, one of the reasons could be because their parents yelled at them whenever they were angry so it was a learned response.

Parents who yell know that yelling scares children; perhaps they yell because their parents acted on their aggressive tendencies with physical abuse, so yelling has become the go-to reaction in the next generation because it seems like the lesser of two evils. Most bullies have been targets of bullying themselves, and when feeling threatened bullies tend to go into bully mode.

The good news is that it is possible to break the cycle of yelling. Even the most hot-tempered person can build the habit of using calming techniques to gain control of the situation before losing his or her temper.

The problem usually does not solve itself overnight, unless you hear a recording of a person shouting for a trivial reason and then realize that the person is you. Most of us require anger management classes, mental health counseling, or simply a lot of practice to learn to take deep breaths and speak in a calm tone even when you are angry.

How to React When Someone Yells at You in the Workplace

When an impatient driver yells at you, it is easy enough to take a deep breath, acknowledge that you are not the problem, and zoom away, leaving the person immediately in the dust as soon as the light turns green.

Maybe the neighbor who comes out of his house and yells whenever children or dogs set foot on his lawn was emotionally abused as a child, or maybe he is just a jerk, but you know that it is not about getting into a physical confrontation. You can walk away from a casual acquaintance or get into a physical fight with a stranger, but these reactions are not appropriate in a work setting.

Work is also not the place to wax poetic about bridging the emotional chasm between you and the other person like you would do with your spouse or a close friend. It takes skill to muster a positive reaction when someone is yelling at you while you are at work trying to earn your daily bread.

Dealing With a Short-Tempered Boss

Dealing with your boss yelling at you is one of the most stressful situations that can happen to you at work. First, it is usually a sign of deeper problems in your workplace. When someone is yelling, that person has lost control, so even if you calmly addressed the immediate situation, it would not solve the underlying problem.

In a family or in-law relationship, it is entirely acceptable to tell people that they are being unreasonable when they are yelling, but when your boss yells, you should calmly address the problem without acting defensively or constantly repeating yourself.

If the person engages in aggressive behavior frequently, or if your supervisor’s angry outbursts are a constant occurrence, you should talk to another manager at your workplace about the problem.

Yelling in the workplace is a sign of a hostile work environment, and hostile work environments are rarely resolved by talking to the aggressive person directly about the problem. Complaining about a hostile work environment is a legally protected activity, and your employer cannot legally retaliate against you for complaining.

The Yell-Proof Customer Service Representative

Dealing with angry customers on the phone is a thankless job, but many of us depend on customer support jobs for our income. Whenever conflicts arise with customers, you are the one who has to hear about them.

The good news is that a heated conversation with a customer cannot escalate into a physical altercation. The bad news is that you cannot simply walk away from a phone conversation that it is your job to have. You must spend a few minutes continually repeating yourself in calm tones while the irate customer rants and raves about a problem that you did not cause and may or may not be able to solve.

Not taking things personally is just the beginning. If you truly cannot stand having a particular customer yell at you anymore, you can transfer the call to someone who might be able to help, or at least someone whose calm voice has more of an effect on the belligerent customer than yours does.

Make sure to tell the customer that you are trying to help and that the person you are transferring the call to can help with problems X, Y, and Z. This way, the customer will not think that you are just trying to get rid of him or her so that the next customer service representative picks up the phone to find the customer even angrier than before.

De Escalation in the Workplace Begins Before the Yelling Starts

It is not your job to stop other people from yelling and to avoid provoking the anger of hotheads, blowhards, and people with hair-trigger tempers. It is, however, your job to deal with customer complaints, direct traffic, teach eighth graders to factor polynomials or do whatever your employment contract requires you to do, and people might yell at you while you are trying to do your job. The more strategies you have planned out before you get into a tense situation, the easier it is to resist the very human urge to fight or flee.

Sometimes the best way to stop someone from yelling at you is to persuade them to pause their yelling temporarily. You can promise to talk about the problem at a later time when you are both thinking clearer. When that time comes, you may have found that the anger has blown over, and the person with the grievance is ready to focus on solutions. In other words, being knowledgeable about conflict management is one of your best defenses against yelling, regardless of the industry in which you work.

Defuse De Escalation Training Can Make Your Workplace More Peaceful

De escalation is not an inborn talent but rather a skill that anyone can learn. If you are in a managerial role, then being able to de-escalate conflicts is an important component of your success.

De-Escalation Training for Customer Service Professionals

90 Minutes

Learn proven de-escalation techniques to handle difficult customer interactions with confidence, reduce stress, and improve customer satisfaction in this expert-designed, 90-minute online training course.

Course price $89.00

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Defuse De-Escalation training offers coaching and workshops on de-escalation and conflict management in the workplace. Contact Defuse today to find out more about dealing with other people’s anger at your job.

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These days, everyone is stressed out, and patience is running low. It is easy to perceive every facial expression and vocal intonation as a slight. Making concise and respectful choices feels like a lost art. When one person challenges another, there are some simple de escalation techniques that you can use to de escalate the situation and avoid a fight or the breakdown of a personal or professional relationship.

Respect Personal Space to De Escalate a Tense Situation

Your body language can effectively convey your respect for a person’s feelings. It is hard to remain calm when an angry person is getting in your face and encroaching on your personal space, even when no one is exchanging words. By keeping your body language neutral, you may find that the other person’s behavior becomes less confrontational. He or she will feel less threatened if you maintain a respectful physical distance when discussing challenging questions.

Watch Your Body Language

Nonverbal communication is one of the more effective but underrated de escalation techniques. You can tell a lot about a person’s emotions through nonverbal cues such as facial expressions and body positions. If you have trouble identifying another person’s anxiety or identifying your own emotions, you can get better at these skills through de escalation training. Nonverbal communication is as important as active listening when it comes to preventing acting out behavior.

Focus on the Other Person’s Feelings

When trying to resolve a conflict, don’t fall into the trap of trying too hard to change another person’s behavior. Instead, de escalation begins when each person in the conflict tries to understand the other’s feelings and perspectives. Devoting a few moments to active listening can put you on the path to de escalating a conflict. It can also help you avoid getting caught up in a power struggle. When possible, give the person options instead of bombarding him or her with challenging questions.

The Basic Principles of De Escalation Training Programs

De escalation training is not just for people whose professions require a very high level of interpersonal intelligence. You do not have to be a diplomat or a hostage negotiator to understand that fighting to the finish is not the only way to resolve disagreements. People from all personal and professional backgrounds can benefit from learning practical de escalation techniques. An ounce of active listening is worth a pound of conflict resolution. De escalating a tense situation before it escalates into a conflict is the best way to go.

De-Escalation Training for Customer Service Professionals

90 Minutes

Learn proven de-escalation techniques to handle difficult customer interactions with confidence, reduce stress, and improve customer satisfaction in this expert-designed, 90-minute online training course.

Course price $89.00

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How to Avoid Unnecessary Altercations

Most extreme situations are preventable. If you pay attention to nonverbal cues, you can usually tell when your behavior is making the person’s concerns worse. One of the goals of de escalation workshops is to provide support for people who are trying to address the root problem that is causing them to have so many high-conflict interactions. Your de escalation trainer can offer concise solutions to help you learn how to make things better during a conflict instead of reacting in way that will make them worse. After the initial course, your trainer can connect you to additional resources to help you manage your anger and respond to problems in a calm manner before the situation escalates.

Does Eye Contact Mean Empathy or Confrontation?

Communication styles vary from one person to another and from one social or cultural context to another. Some people look their interlocutors in the eyes to show that they are paying attention; they think it would be disrespectful not to do this. Others feel uncomfortable and upset when someone looks directly into their eyes for more than a brief moment. In your de escalation class, your teacher will talk about how to interpret a person’s response to your nonverbal behavior. Most people find it useful to use different strategies in different situations.

Dealing With Your Own Stress First

When you are angry, it is easy to blame everyone else for your stress. For example, you might insist that your family or the customers at your job are the reason you are so angry. In fact, there are probably other reasons that you are upset, even if you want to ignore these issues and not talk about them. Perhaps you are insecure about yourself or are holding on to past grudges. Wisdom is the ability to identify which circumstances are beyond your control. It is also a powerful antidote to anger.

Control Your Frustration Before It Reaches a Boiling Point

It is hard to think of open-ended questions to ask an annoying customer when you are steaming mad. You should ask these questions and find out more about the customers’ concerns before you get to the point where you are so upset that you can no longer focus on other people’s words. Remember to respond to the person in front of you instead of letting your feelings of frustration get the better of you.

Attack the Problem, Not the Person

Especially when you are dealing with a customer, it is important to maintain a professional demeanor. Even if the person is being frustratingly stubborn, it is your job to stay calm and respond politely. If you get too confrontational and the customer complains about you to your supervisor, this only makes your situation more stressful. Remember that excusing yourself from a conversation with a person who refuses to listen is one of the most effective strategies. In a calm voice, refer the person to a coworker of yours who is in a better position to offer support and address the person’s concerns.

How Quickly Should You Respond?

When customers are demanding answers, you should not ignore them. They deserve a prompt response. Customers tend to get very frustrated when they call the company’s support number and have to stay on hold for a long time. In this case, any response is better than no response at all, even if it is just a polite version of, “I don’t know, but I’m still trying to figure it out.” Of course, it also depends on you. If you are getting frustrated by so many calls to the support line from belligerent customers, then take a few moments to compose yourself before you get back on the phone to offer a response.

You Don’t Have to Be a People Person to Learn to De Escalate Stressful Situations

One of the most common misconceptions about conflict management is that it requires extraordinary levels of interpersonal skills. In fact, de-escalating conflicts is for introverts, too. Everyone deals with other people in their professional and personal life. All interpersonal interactions have the potential for conflict, and all conflicts have the potential to be stressful. Whether you work in a cubicle farm full of people who keep to themselves and pride themselves on their lack of social skills or whether you are trying to keep the peace with your teenage children who have decided that they want to be nothing like you when they grow up, your life would be much easier if you learned some techniques to stop other people’s annoying behavior from getting under your skin and stressing you out. Learning how to communicate effectively with a person you do not especially feel like dealing with is a valuable personal and professional skill that will help make your life more peaceful.

De-Escalation Does Not Always Have to Happen In Person

An increasing portion of interpersonal interactions takes place online these days, for better or for worse. Some of the most visible and populous areas of the Internet resemble a master class in how to take a minor disagreement and escalate it until it becomes an apocalyptic battle or a tense stalemate. Remote work makes it easy to turn off your camera and make a “blah blah blah” gesture with your hand whenever your coworkers say things you disagree with and get on your nerves. Addressing the disagreement directly and respectfully is much more conducive to an ongoing collegial relationship.

What Is Special About Defuse De-Escalation Training?

At Defuse, we know that conflict management is not just a series of platitudes that apply the same way in every situation. We appreciate that different individuals and organizations have different needs when it comes to de-escalating conflicts in the workplace. Therefore, we have adapted our de-escalation training curriculum to many different industries. The details of your training will be different, depending on whether you are a customer service representative, a law enforcement officer, a teacher, or a member of some other profession. We even offer training that focuses on techniques to use outside the workplace. You will find, though, that many of the de-escalation tactics you use at work are effective at home, too.

How to Get Started With Defuse De-Escalation Training

The first step to resolving conflicts more effectively and with less anxiety is just a click away. Defuse representatives will help you choose the training program that best meets your needs and those of your organization. Contact Defuse today to find out more about us.

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